This time folks, I just have to make a few personal observations that come a little closer to home than my usual rants about world politics or electric cars or whatever. Some of things I may say may offend a few folks. If so, well, sorry. My grandmother always said that if you throw a rock at a pack of dogs, the one that yelps is the one that got hit. If you yelp about this, then maybe you need to take a close look at yourself.
So, on we go. With graduation season upon us, I’ve had the opportunity to attend a number of ceremonies, as well as having observed some of these folks out in public at various celebrations afterwards. The graduates for the most part have been great and should be congratulated for a job well done. Some of their relatives and friends however, need a bit of sprucing up. I recently attended a kindergarten graduation. The kids did a fine job, as did their teachers. There were a few technical difficulties with the sound system, but they got it worked out quickly. Kudos to the folks doing that. The audience, however, needed a lesson in manners. I will grant that listening to 20 five year olds singing a song over a flakey sound system may not be the most entertaining thing you ever watched, especially if they are not your kids. But didn’t your mother even attempt to teach you some manners? You should not be yammering on your cell phone the whole time dude…if your employees are so inept that you can’t leave them alone for an hour, hire some better ones. There are lots of folks out there looking for work now. Same for your family. If they can’t manage on their own for an hour, hire a sitter. Either way, shut the hell up, people around you are trying to hear their kids.
Let’s talk fashion for a minute too. I really don’t care what you wear to these thing folks. You can wear a suit, or a tank top and shorts…I don’t care, really. I wore shorts and a t-shirt. It’s ok. But wear something that FITS!! I’m not saying anything about body image here, I don’t care if you weigh 95 pounds or 950 pounds…get something that fits. If you were a size 6 in high school, and you are a size 40 now, stuffing yourself into the size 6 clothing to come to little Johnny’s graduation is not cool. It won’t make you look slimmer; it makes you look like a dumbass. Especially when you bend over to kiss little Johnny and the seat of your butt cheek exposing shorts split from front to back simply because the thread can’t stand the strain anymore. And yes, I did witness this event. And by the way, these comments apply equally to men and women.
If you are going out to the clubs to get noticed, wear whatever you think will get you the type of attention you are looking for. At a kindergarten graduation, no one wants to see your tramp stamp, your butt crack, or cleavage that would smother little Johnny if he happened to fall in to your lacey open to your naval blouse. This is the kids’ big moment, let them shine, not your butt. Guys, jeans shorts down past your knees, with the waist band about 4 inches below the top of your butt crack, topped off with plaid boxers that look like someone just gave you a major wedgie is not sexy. Every woman in the place is laughing at you, wondering why your momma let you out of the house like that.
This also applies to 5th grade graduations as well. Pick up your next ex-wife/husband somewhere else. Make this about the kids, not your next date/divorce/doctor appointment/whatever. And don’t get up and leave as soon as your kid has his diploma. All the folks you have to climb over and walk in front of are trying to see their own kids and you just blocked it. You can wait a few more minutes to get back to the rat race.
Speaking of walking in front of someone, the guy in the corner with the big camera and tripod is there to take lots of pictures of all the kids. Walking up right in front of the camera and stopping to flap your trap is not something you should do. He does not want pictures of your sparkly grill, or your nipple ring, or your multicolored spikey hair. Get out of the way moron. He is taking pictures of the stage.
I also attended a college graduation this season. What a zoo! Again, the graduates for the most part were great. Some of the people in the audience, not so much. For instance, Mr. Rich Uncle from Texas…your $500 Stetson is really cool and all, but it’s blocking the view for the people behind you. Leave it in your truck, butthead. Ain’t no sun shining in Baum, we have roofs here in Arkansas that eliminate the need for such apparel. And oh, by the way…the cops had your 4 door 4wd one ton that was parked diagonally across 8 parking spaces towed to the impound lot. You can get it back when the courthouse opens next Monday.
A note on photography here. If you are in the audience a quarter of a mile away from your graduate, turn off your flash. All you are going to do is light up about 2 rows of heads in front of you, and not be able to see your little Johnny. Beyond 30 -40 feet, a flash is useless. The stage is lit, your surroundings are already dark. If you flash, it will cause your pictures not to turn out especially if you are using film instead of a digital camera. Leave it off, your pictures will be much better and the people around you won’t be spitting in your drink while you’re not looking.
Come on people, use a little common sense.
